Rene Unterman Ready To Trade Arms For Hostages

April 1, 2014 6:45 am

by Charlie · 2 comments

arms for hostagesSenator Rene Unterman has been catching flak for her attempt to make sure all the  children are treated equally, and she’s decided it’s time to deal.

Sure, it would have been easier to have done this before the clock ran out on Sine Die.  Sure, she probably shouldn’t have told WSB TV’s Lori Geary that she was justified in using kids suffering terminally debilitating seizures as “hostages”.  But she’s ready to make amends.

Unterman now wants to trade arms for her hostages.

No, there will be no Contras involved, as long as the bionic arms are not made in Nicaragua.  Unterman is now willing to give support to Representative Allen Peake’s medical marijuana bill in exchange for insurance coverage that will allow all children with traumatic sports injuries to receive bionic limbs and regenerative therapy to be fully covered by their health insurance provider.

“I’m not a monster” Unterman told every television station other than those pushy folks over at WSB that kept taking pictures of sick kids at the Capitol and making Unterman look bad. “I’m ready and willing to help the children. We just need to make sure that at least some of the children that we help are covered by insurance companies that I regulate….I mean, we need to help as many children as possible. For the children.”

Cost estimates for the artificial limbs are not readily available, as the most recent estimates are from the seventies and are $6 Million per patient.  Although they will be better, faster and stronger, legislators are planning a recreation of a mock Hayek versus Keynes debate to determine if the cost of the limbs since Steve Austin retired would have gone up due to currency debasement or down due to technological advances.

Unterman, however, remained undeterred, giving a final quote of  “We need to cover the children.  Insurance rates go up every year anyway.  The children. For them. Goodness. America.”

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

saltycracker April 1, 2014 at 7:50 am

Wasn’t this the arms amendment to the gun bill ?

xdog April 1, 2014 at 9:00 am

That would be the right to arm bears. We need to help our ursine brothers.