A previously unmentioned candidate, overlooked by every political observer and pundit in Georgia, announced on Sunday that he will seek the Senate seat being vacated by incumbent Senator Saxby Chambliss.
“I have looked at the field of candidates and potential candidates and found them all indecisive, wishy-washy, worthless and weak,” said Saxby Chambliss in announcing his intent to seek the Senate seat that he is vacating. “While it was clear I was going to have difficulty winning a primary as an incumbent, now that people understand that I’m a lame duck outsider, I can become the fresh face that Georgia needs to send to Washington.”
At a campaign kick-off in his hometown of Moultrie, (The Antique Capital of South Georgia AND North Florida) Chambliss continued: “I have direct knowledge of what’s wrong in Washington, having been there for 12 years. The problems we face in our country didn’t just happen -I helped make them happen! As part of the problem, I’m the only candidate who can be part of the solution. It’s time we looked at these new problems with an old set of eyes -mine. I helped get us into this mess, and I know what it takes to get us out!”
Chambliss’ announcement was greeted enthusiastically by all eight members of the Moultrie Chamber of Commerce, who immediately voted to endorse Chambliss. “We fully support the reelection of this new Saxby Chambliss. Speaking on behalf of all Moultrie, we say he belongs in Washington. Let’s vote Saxby into office -and out of here!”
Rep. Phil Gingrey, MD, who announced his campaign for Senate last month, said he looked forward to the vigorous back-and-forth in a primary. “Politics is not for play -we’ve been pregnant with anticipation for something like this, but our campaign is not going to just lie back and enjoy it. There are ways of shutting these things down.”
Congressman Paul Broun, who announced his Senate candidacy the instant Chambliss said he was not seeking re-election, said his plans will not change: “I do not change my beliefs in light of new information or these fancy “facts” people keep asking me about,” said Broun. “Saxby may be more than 6,000 years old, but the earth is not and the people of Georgia know it. My victory in the primary will be like a big-game hunt. I’m going put his head on the wall of my den, and then I’m going to mount it.”
All of the other potential candidates for the Senate seat, including former Secretary of State Karen Handel, Congressman Tom Price MD, Congressman Jack Kingston, House Speaker David Ralston, Lt. Governor Casey Cagle, and everyone listed in the metro Atlanta white pages between letters “D” and “T” issued a joint statement saying “We are possibly considering all the relevant factors and might be thinking about what it would take to make up our minds about a decision as to what the political future could hold for us. We might have an announcement soon. Or later. Maybe.”
Chambliss was nonplussed by his opponents’ reactions. “None of these candidates can occupy the dead-eyed center of the mushy middle of the political spectrum the way I can. I will not be a weather vane of change blown by the whims of mere voters to the right or the left. Rather I will be a rock, constant and unchanging, fixed firmly in the middle and on both sides of the road, guaranteeing no progress forward -and none backward either!”
When questioned by reporters about occupying both sides of the road, Chambliss elaborated: “It is my intent to be a very LARGE rock.”
Many political observers in Georgia were caught off guard by Chambliss’ announcement. “On the one hand, this is a bold attempt to re-invent himself in the eyes of the voters, and on the other hand, it’s a desperate move by a failing candidate,” said Earnest J. Duffingham, Associate Professor of Answering Media Calls at Georgia State University. “And on the other hand, it could work, but on the other hand, it might not,” he added.
Chambliss ended his kickoff by unveiling a new campaign slogan: “I’m not willing to drink whisky on back porches in Georgia, I want to drink whisky in the most exclusive clubs in Washington D.C. -so, CHEERS!”