Georgia Poised To Become Porn Producing Capital Of The US

April 1, 2012 7:30 am

by Charlie · 14 comments

Sensing a unique opportunity, Georgia’s economic leaders have decided to leverage the state’s various film industry tax credits combined with an ingrained “regulation is our enemy” business attitude in order to steal an entire industry from one state.  Which state and business? California’s porn industry.

Earlier this year, the people of California who can’t live without a new industry killing regulation every day began requiring porn actors to wear condoms while filming scenes.  Industry groups have vowed that the major producers of such artistic work will leave California because of such regs.  They cite consumers and one Republican presidential candidate that believe contraception is a product of the devil, and do not believe such unholiness belongs in educational films.  Actors also complain that the stress of remembering to put on a condom distracts from the concentration needed to perform triple penetration scenes.

Georgia stands ready to fill this industry’s void.  Chamber of Commerce President Chris Clark described the State’s natural business environment as ripe for porn.  “Let’s face it. We talk all high minded about our university system and Georgia’s emergence as a place for technology and biomedical industries.  But Silicon Valley we’re not.  Our public schools are crap, and our political war on both evolution and stem cell research scares off anyone who has ever passed an eighth grade science class, much less doctors, programmers, and engineers needed for employers in those fields.  But most Georgians are well prepared for sex.

“The trick is, not many are lucky enough to get paid for it.  Given that there are only so many positions available for lobbyists, this new industry opens up opportunities for so many more Georgians to do what they’re naturally good at and enjoy.  We’re no Silicon Valley, but we have the vast natural resources to easily become the next San Fernando Valley.”

Governor Nathan Deal championed the initiative as part of his Go Build Georgia program during a recent discussion with reporters saying “This economy has knocked a lot of Georgians flat on their backs.  We are an innovative and industrious people.  Many liberals think that it is the state’s role to pick these people back up. I say, if their already on their back, let’s let them take advantage of that with tax credits and no regulations while they’re there.”

Almost every member of the Georgia legislature campaigned on the platform of “Jobs” during the last election cycle.  Now preparing to face re-election, this initiative has been erected just in time for incumbents to release a swell of campaign ads showing they have come through for voters at just the right time.

“They said we weren’t specific when we said we would deliver jobs” said Ben Harbin, whose previous job creation record includes Augusta’s Georgia Golf Hall of Fame.  “Now, every time someone watches one of these movies shot right here in Georgia, they’re going to see Georgia jobs.  There will be jobs everywhere, in every scene.  This is not fluff, these are real jobs. And for every job they see, there will be three they don’t see.  It takes a lot of jobs to support an industry like this – even to get the enabling legislation passed.  These films are all about jobs.”

Not everyone thought that this initiative would ever see the light of day, as opponents wanted it shoved somewhere dark and deep where it would never be seen.  Supporters of HB 87, Georgia’s immigration reform bill passed last year, needed assurance that the jobs created would all go to Americans.  The House, conducting informal consumer surveys, quickly discovered that a “cultural variety” of actresses and actors were needed to satisfy the varied market niches of the porn industry.  A compromise was struck.

Work visas will be issued by a task force of well connected, experienced appointees who will meet applicants on Wednesday evenings at 887 Spring Street, NW Atlanta Georgia 30308. The task force will be comprised solely of former legislators who are known to have an eye for talent.  After a rigorous audition process, visas will be issued to those determined to have pleased the panel the most.

“We’re lucky to have even gotten this compromise through” said HB 87 sponsor Matt Ramsey.  “Every time we distributed the industry information for our members to survey, they all started out very excited, but all seemed to lose interest in the subject after 3-5 minutes.  Only the veterans stuck with this long enough to come to a reasonable finish.”

Patrick T. Malone April 1, 2012 at 7:41 am

Erected initiatives have always been the economic development tool of choice.

xdog April 1, 2012 at 8:11 am

“Georgia stands ready to fill this industry’s void.”

That just reads dirty.

dorian April 1, 2012 at 8:11 am

It’s not hard to see how this will be a sticky situation that some will find difficult to swallow.

Cassandra April 1, 2012 at 8:19 am

Wicked April Fool humor.

View from Brookhaven April 1, 2012 at 8:39 am

I chuckled. Well played, Charlie.

Spacey G April 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

Hmmm…. I think Mike’s post actually had me going for about a full :15 seconds… fun as this one is too.

peachstealth April 1, 2012 at 9:11 am

I was reading the third paragraph when I realized the date is April first. Good one!

seenbetrdayz April 1, 2012 at 6:37 pm

What’s bad is that I looked at the date and still couldn’t figure out if this was real or not.

Romegaguy April 1, 2012 at 9:34 am

I heard that a former city council member in Macon will be producing porn that specializes in fornicating with goats

Dave Bearse April 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Didn’t this session’s tax reform eliminate movie-making tax exemptions? Another opportunity lost.

Homer April 1, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I’m outraged by this article! I mean, no one invited ME to work on the commission, or on the talent review board that is certainly a requirement…

mikesouth April 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

No make them stay away, I have a monopoly here and I want to keep it that way.

Or at least make me supreme dictator of the committee.

Mike South
Georgia’s Low brow, Gun totin, Libertarian, Pornographer

The Last Democrat in Georgia April 2, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Our fellow legislators like the amateur stuff so much better anyway (amateurs identify with amateurs).

Besides, if the porn industry was to actually leave California the first places they would go are a.) Las Vegas and b.) Florida, as everyone knows that weirdos absolutely LOVE Florida.

blakendecker April 2, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Hot diggity dog! Been unemployed for 6 months. My ships finally come in!

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