Welcome To Georgia, Stephen Puetz

We have word today that “front running” candidate for Governor John Oxendine has installed yet another campaign manager. Having run through the complete list of Georgia’s stable of campaign talent willing to work with him, The Ox has turned to the great state of Connecticut and hired the political director of the “front-runner” in the Connecticut Republican Governor’s primary.

Mr. Puetz has a history of changing winning horses in mid-stream. According to his LinkedIn page, he left UC Irvine after his freshman year (noted for it’s 3 Nobel Prize recipients) to transfer to CSU San Marcos (noted for winning “first place in the nationwide RecycleMania” contest).

Mr. Puetz’s closest connection to Georgia appears to be that he was the California Field Director for Mitt Romney, and Mitt Romney ran for President of the US, of which Georgia is a part (a fact recognized by 6 of the 7 GOP candidates for Governor).

So to help Mr. Puetz get up to speed, here are a few helpful things to note:

The University of Georgia football schedule can be found HERE. This should help your campaign with your impact tweets.

You can learn about signing up for a Georgia hunting license HERE.

Note also that to obtain a licenses, you must complete a REQUIRED hunter safety education course, of which you may learn about HERE:

To obtain a Georgia drivers license, follow the instructions HERE. Note, unless you are an actual police, fire, or other emergency personnel, you are not allowed to install blue lights on your car for personal emergency situations. You should also note that a live shot for the 6:00 news occurring 10 minutes away at 5:55pm does not constitute an emergency.

Be sure to register your car within 30 days and pay ad valorem taxes. I doubt your boss can get a Constitutional Convention called within 30 days of you moving here to implement the FAIRTAX! and kill all other taxes of all kinds. Learn how to say FAIRTAX! in every sentence. Even if it’s about changing batteries in smoke detectors during daylight savings time. This is important.

You should note that all local media is lib’ral. And anything they report about your candidate is their fault, not his. Understanding this will be key to your longevity.

The phone number to Congressman Lynn Westmoreland’s office is 202-225-5901. I suggest you forget that immediately. No, wait. On second thought, I suggest you remove that number from the phones, rolodexes, personal computers and any other databases within reach of anyone that can spell Oxendine. Then forget that number. Nothing good can come from you or anyone you work with knowing that number.

The phone number for the Georgia State ethics commission is 404-463-1980 . You’ll probably learn that one soon enough.

I don’t have Dee Yancey’s phone number, but I understand Ox does when he wants to go quail hunting (see hunter safety info above. Also, please make sure your employer sees that soon too). You should also understand when the Georgia State ethics commission calls, you don’t have Dee Yancey’s number. Nor do you even know him. Even if he’s hunting right beside you when they call, you don’t know him. Got it?

I can’t tell you where Elton John’s best contact info is, but I understand you get that from Dr. Jeffery Gallups. And at least 6 figures of contributions if he needs help again.

Please do not ask Commissioner Oxendine to state an actual position of Sunday Sales of alcohol. Previously, staff have just told folks that his public statements aren’t what he really believes anyway. You should know that as a general rule, Ox believes whatever YOU believe, regardless of whom YOU are. So long as you can either 1) vote, or 2) contribute large sums of money, either directly or indirectly using a series of illegal Alabama based PACs set up by his hunting buddy that he’s never met (again, see above).

And another note, you’re not even supposed to be reading this.

There’s a lot more to learn, but we don’t want to overwhelm you on your first day. So with that, all I can do is give you a distinct southern welcome: Bless your sweet heart.

38 comments

  1. The General says:

    Uh oh…the Yankees are invading Georgia again. Here’s hoping that McBerry will summon his mighty state militia and send ’em back to where they came from!

  2. Well that should catch Mr. Stephen Puetz up on the Oxendine campaign.

    BTW, any word on exactly how to pronounce Stephen’s last name? Bless his heart, that pronunciation could be a foreshadowing of how the remainder of this campaign goes.

  3. LoyaltyIsMyHonor says:

    Hmmm, I wonder if there’s an Insurance company connection here. Connecticut is/was (I left over a decade ago, so forgive me here), headquarters to several Insurance companies.

  4. Mozart says:

    “You should know that as a general rule, Ox believes whatever YOU believe”

    Actually, that’s pretty much how every politician carries-out their campaign.

  5. macho says:

    Seems odd to have the perception you’re so far ahead of the pack, and a foregone conclusion, but constantly firing campaign managers.

  6. HowardRoark says:

    Extreme Candidate Make-Over: Georgia Edition has begun!

    Mr. Puetz, I’d like to offer a bit of unqualified advice . Whatever your new strategy/tactics include, they should NOT included any speaking, public appearances, tweeting, or even thinking by your candidate. In fact, your best chance to win may be to send him out of state until July.

    • B Balz says:

      I disagree.

      Why just Saturday he entertained the crowd of College Republicans waxing reminiscent about walking young ladies home.

      • BuckheadConservative says:

        I just laughed out loud at my desk thinking of a young, but equally doofy Johnny Oxendine sticking out his elbow to offer a girl a walk home and getting pepper sprayed in the face.

        • polisavvy says:

          When Icarus posted this on Saturday, I had a visual of the faces of the girls when he offered to walk them around campus. Could you only imagine?

              • B Balz says:

                We all have made comments that we cannot believe escaped our mouth. To share an entire anecdote that is awkward to the audience is a special talent.

                I look forward to hearing more from this candidate.

                • polisavvy says:

                  Don’t you though? It does provide a sort of comic relief doesn’t it? He could always get a job doing stand up if he loses this election! 🙂

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