Well, tonight marks yet another round of Oscar awards for the lib’ral Hollywood elite to pat themselves on the back for solving global warming, eliminating poverty in the third world, and adopting a child from every continent. And, when you think of the Oscars, what icon of Georgia politics do we all think of? That’s right, my main man John Oxendine.
We all know Ox has a history with the Oscars, but I was worried that Ox might not get to go this year because of his souring relationship with Dr. Jeffery Gallups. You don’t remember Dr. G? He’s the dude that bundled over $100K in family contributions to Oxendine’s campaign, and took him to the Oscars not once, but twice. He also took Ox hunting and lived to tell about it. Must be a brave man.
But, the worry for Ox at this year’s Oscars appears to be over. According to the following memo that may OR MAY NOT be from the Ox’s campaign, it looks like plans to attend this year’s Oscars are in full force:
cultistsstaffers of the John Oxendine for King Of The World Governor
From: Your Godlike Tweeter In Chief
Subject: While I’m hangin’ with Elton
I’ll be too busy partying it up with my Hollywood peeps to take care of many things this weekend, so here’s a few instructions for Oscar weekend:
1) James Cameron is likely to win big, so please make sure we get a good tweet off. Something like “Congrats to Cameron for a worthy Best Picture Nomination. We’re pulling for Titanic all the way”
2) Remember if anyone asks, we refunded the cost of our travel to our
stoogemajor contributor. We have already lost the documentation for this, right? Hahahaha.
3) If anyone back home asks why I’m hanging at a party with a major advocate for gay rights, please be sure to tell them how much I’m against gay rights. Unless they’re for them. Remember, just like you guys answer the Sunday Sales issue, please make sure all staffers who get questions on my position tell whomever is asking that I agree with their position, and they should ask me personally about it. Just make sure I know which answer they want to hear before they ask me. This telling different people different things can get confusing.
4) Hey, how about another tweet? Don’t we have a best actress nomination for a Southerner who filmed a large part of her movie in Georgia this year? Tweet “Best of Luck to Sally Field for her role in Smokey and The Bandit” at some point.
5) It’s Sunday, so if any of you didn’t plan ahead, just get an insurance exec to take you to an early dinner. Make sure you take a bottle of wine or two home with you. To make sure you look like a real connoisseur, don’t order anything under $600 a bottle. Don’t worry, it will taste just like the stuff we get at Trader Joe’s.
O.K., that’s all for now. If Westmoreland calls, be sure to tell him I’m at the Oscars and he’s not. If he wants to be here next year, tell him to play ball next time.